The Greatest Show on
Earth – the Narcissist’s façade or false self! The impenetrable wall behind
that MASK and the rage that protects it!
If you have ever tried to understand, empathize, or even help a
Narcissist, you know it is futile because the closer you get to the truth or
the heart of the ANY problem or matter at hand, the closer you get to things
blowing up in your face and perhaps being raged at. The Narcissist doesn’t want
their issues to be solved, they prefer to blame others for their problems –
THEY HAVE NO ISSUES, you and I are the ones that have issues! No matter how
viable or good your concern or solution may be, or how much unconditional love
and support you offer - when you share it with a Narcissist, they will either
dismiss it, find reasons why it doesn’t work or say the true problem lies
elsewhere. It is their defense mechanism or denial as well as a diversion
tactic. Blame energizes them and keeps them at a distance from the reality of
their true issues. They are truly on a different wavelength than normal people
of empathy and unconditional love, so trying to find a cohesive understanding
concerning their actions and trying to communicate to them is like speaking a
foreign language that they don’t understand and never will.
Some people believe that sending or giving unconditional love
will help, but here’s the thing, Narcissists don’t want or know unconditional
love so any attempt to give it to them is futile. Unconditional love requires
openness and honesty and there is pure denial when it comes to a Narcissist and
their ‘real self’ or better yet there is NO REAL SELF. There is a confabulation
of a Frankenstein type monster that are just bits and pieces of behaviors they
learned along the way but they definitely can NOT function in our world without
the facade. That is why they create the façade because it hides the truth of
who they are so they can function in this world and reap the benefits they
harvest from other human beings.
Having a ‘real self’ requires facing fears, feeling difficult
emotions and being open to change. In the Narcissist’s mind, these are all
awful things that are to be avoided at all costs because the truth of what they
lack would totally DESTROY their weak ego. This is why they are addicted to so
much attention and adulation to support and sheer up that façade because it is
basically a matter of life and death. They fill that empty void with external options
to make up for the lack of internalization or basically the ability to have
emotions, bonding, or loving another. They are expertly adept at imitating
these emotions because by doing so it is a means to an end with them having
their needs fulfilled. Without these basic abilities they are cut off at the
knees to form any type of REAL human bond so they have to constantly search out
alternatives to fill that deep empty void. Even with this external stimulation
they are never satisfied because what they seek is always superficial and they
become bored easily so they are out there searching for more and more BUT never
feeling satisfied. This is what creates their out of control lifestyle or
addiction to find more and more supply. We are not any part of the equation as
an individual because we are objectified for whatever external aspects we have
to offer. They HAVE to find many sources of supply to avert connecting with the
truth about themselves because the truth could destroy them. They must also
protect their truth at all costs to avoid exposure about their ‘disconnect’
with real life because it would also destroy them by defining who and what they
are. The outcome of this is always the blame, shame and rage they displace onto
their targets/victims. They are not just pathological liars to us they also are
pathological liars to themselves because they believe their own lies! They are
hoarders of supply and need it constantly and get it through external vices.
Nothing is ever internalized within them such as love or bonding. This is fact
and not any type of fiction – they only reinforce what serves THEM so
understanding this identifies that our purpose is basically to serve them or
fulfill a specific need. Unfortunately we believe it is authentic because that
is part of their façade that traps us in as viable supply or the charm and love
bombing.
So, when it comes to helping Narcissists, every time it seems
you are getting somewhere, you are faced with a new and impenetrable wall and
even rage for stepping over their endless boundaries that protect their facade.
They want to stay behind it and they will never let you penetrate that wall
because they know how ugly it is on their side. It’s not your fault that you
cannot be loved by them, they were never available for real love in the first
place but they pretend to be that charming person to secure their needs. You
were just believing in them which is a normal reaction to loving or caring for
another person in your life. Unfortunately you did not know that this person
was a Narcissist and abusive. Our empathy is at a loss with these creatures and
it often times blinds us from the real truth about them.
The best thing to do is to let them be who
they are and move on or better yet go ‘no contact!’ If you can’t seem to move
on, ask yourself what you are hoping to receive in return knowing that they
can’t change or better yet won’t change? What do you still want from them and
have you ever received this from them in the past? What would you need to do or
give and give up for them and is it worth it? Since the person in question is
resistant to change (as you have already experienced accompanied by a lot of
rage and grief), what are the chances that your relationship will EVER change
in the way that you want it to? How many chances are you willing to give to
only experience the same results and how much of yourself are you going to give
up in the process because a Narcissist will take it all. No or minimal contact
is the only way to escape the damage!
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